Every Little Thing in the World by Nina de Gramont

Author:Nina de Gramont
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atheneum Books for Young Readers
Published: 2010-11-27T05:00:00+00:00

chapter nine

directive

Did I think about telling Brendan my own secret, now that I knew his? Maybe if he could have guessed, in a flash of intuition like I had with him, I would have admitted to being pregnant. But the fact that only Natalia and I knew about my pregnancy protected me, not only from discovery but by making it seem less than real. The moment the information started to spread, it would move from the realm of secret to fact. I couldn’t face that transition, not just yet.

It struck me more than once: Human reproduction was just a bad system. Three months for the first trimester didn’t seem nearly long enough to process, decide, and act. For example, I couldn’t spend time thinking about Natalia’s request. How in the world could I seriously consider having a baby? Linden Hill Country Day was not the sort of school where pregnant girls showed up for junior year. Wasn’t I already enough of an outsider with my singlemother? Not to mention a father who hailed from the boondocks rather than the 50 percent income bracket.

And what about when the baby was born? Would I give it away and live my entire life knowing that somewhere out there I had a child? I hated this idea, this secret that would dog me throughout eternity. When I went to college, there would be this huge thing from my past that nobody knew about. Eventually I would have to tell my roommate, and my new boyfriend, and anyone I became close to ever again: this thing about me, this child out there. No one would ever really know me unless I admitted it. On my wedding day I would walk down the aisle with a bouquet of flowers and a white veil, all the while knowing that miles away a little kid lurked, and I was its mother, and I had given it away. Even though I didn’t want a child—didn’t know if I would ever want a child—the thought of losing one was simply too huge. Not to mention the thought of explaining myself if the kid ever managed to track me down.

Abortion seemed different, the loss of a possibility instead of the loss of a person. If I lost the possibility, I might sometimes remember dates and imagine what life would be like. It would be weird, at twenty-six, to imagine I could have a ten-year-old kid, but that would be a lot different from wondering every day for the rest of my life where it was, how it was, who it was.

I could never be that girl, the one with the huge, gloomy, and tragic past. I only wanted to be me, myself—just normal. God knows it had been hard enough being me before this stupid pregnancy. Cross that out and I still had my angry mother and my fixated, distant father. I was still the only one of my friends who didn’t have nice clothes or spending money. I still had Greg, my AWOL first love, and his cheerleader.

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